Josiah,
I couldn’t figure out why you called me the other day apologizing and, you know, maybe doing the right thing for once but now that your parents kicked you out, it all makes sense. You didn’t do it because you actually care about, love or miss me or Holland, you did it because you were once again, trying to save your own ass.
I know that I would never be able to say any of this to your face or even over the phone because you’d leave or hang up before I even finished a sentence so I guess if I have to do something as pathetic as send you a MySpace message, at least I can finally get it out without being interrupted mid-sentence to hear just exactly why none of this is true or your fault. (Not that I expect you to actually read past this paragraph.)
I hope you know that you will never, ever exist for me again. I can honestly say that I am in no way, shape or form in love with you anymore. I’ve never genuinely hated anyone before until now. I hate you with every fiber of my being. You are the saddest excuse for a human being I’ve ever met. Everything that comes out of your mouth is a lie. Every promise you’ve ever made was a lie. Every plan you had for “our future” was a lie. Every excuse as to why those never worked out was a lie. Every kiss and every hug and every act of love or affection towards me or Holland was a lie. Every detail of every sentence of every made up fucking story you’ve ever told was a lie. YOU are one big living, breathing, walking, talking lie wrapped up in insecurities and selfishness.
I still haven’t figured out why you married me in the first place but it sure as hell wasn’t for any of the bullshit reasons you gave me back then. Maybe it was because you wanted some money to blow. Maybe it was because you didn’t have anywhere else to go and I was a place to live. Maybe you just wanted to feel like an adult for once in your life and being able to say you have a wife and daughter (that you don’t support financially OR emotionally but you’ll leave that part out) was easier than actually getting off your ass. Or maybe you finally realized that nobody gives a fuck if you’re Josiah Hardwick anymore and that you lost your charm a long time ago. You aren’t Mr. Popularity like you once were, everyone is done kissing your ass and giving you everything you want in hopes of a few cool points and an ego boost. Everyone is sick of you living off of and using them. But not me. Not back then. You knew that I loved you and that I still had the faith in you that everybody else lost. You knew that I would give you the benefit of the doubt when you told me that you’d changed. You knew that all you had to do was play the Daddy card and I was sold. You took advantage of me, of our daughter and of the situation we were in. You exhausted all your other options and we were nothing but your last resort. You put on such a good show, though, that nobody saw what was actually going on until it was too late. Until it was all said and done and you didn’t have to act anymore.
When I agreed to marry you, you promised me a life in Georgia where you ALREADY HAD a good job and we had a chance to start over. You knew the entire time that you were never going to go through with it. Instead you went on a fuck-off-for-3-weeks vacation and blew that job off at the end. When we got married, I didn’t sign up to live at your parents house for the rest of my life, let alone five god damn months without a single thing changing.. Is that what your plan was? For us to just stay there as long as you could and I was just supposed to be completely okay with it? Holland can sleep in the living room and the new baby can sleep in the kitchen sink, I don’t mind! You don’t have to make any ACTUAL effort to get us out of there. As long as you turn in a couple job applications here and there and bitch about how it’s “NOT YOUR FAULT!” in between, it’s fine by me! I mean, my dad can support this baby, too! And on the occasions that I’m too embarrassed to ask him for help and we need diapers or wipes or something, I could always sell my iPod to get them. Oh, wait… that already happened. I guess there’s always my wedding ring!
You are a terrible husband and an even worse father.
You’ve never loved Holland the way a parent is supposed to love their child. She was an inconvenience in your life and that’s it. You never played with her or spent time with her unless you absolutely had to and even then, it was the end of the world. You never gave her a chance to show you just how amazing she really is, how much she has to offer, how much love and happiness she could bring your life. You never stopped yelling at her long enough to just enjoy her. And all of those days that you were too busy worrying about your life outside of her, all of those days that you woke up and left and she didn’t see you at all, don’t think for a second that just because she’s only two, she didn’t notice. She did. Since the day that we left and came to my dad’s, your daughter hasn’t asked about you, not even once. She’s asked about Grandma, she’s asked about Grandpa, she’s even asked about Penny and Praise but not Daddy. There’s no excuse in the world that you could come up with to make that anyone’s fault but your own.
I’ve made some really big mistakes in my life and I have a lot of regrets but marrying you is, by far, my biggest yet. I wake up every single day hoping that it all just disappeared while I was sleeping or that it was just one really long nightmare that’s finally over. I am so embarrassed to call you my husband and even more ashamed that I was stupid enough to marry someone so manipulative, cold and heartless in the first place.
I’m ready.
For this joke to be over with.
To have my life back again.
To remember what happiness feels like.
And most importantly, to leave your sorry ass in the past where it should have stayed.
Oh, also? If you think that you can mess with my life and my kid’s lives the way that you have and just walk away scot-free, I promise you that will never be the case. I hope that in the end, everything that was so much more important to you was worth losing your family for. Let me know when the guilt starts to eat you alive.
